It is 1:35am and I woke up crying. I didn’t understand why. My mom is sleeping next to me, so I couldn’t even cry out in the pain or agony that I felt in my heart. I wanted to get up and write in my journal, but I did not want to wake my mom up. I didn’t want to pick up my phone because I felt like I would never fall asleep if I did. I had so many thoughts running through my mind and all I could think about is, “This is it. This is the moment you write about. If you don’t write it now while it is still raw in your soul, you will forget. It’s now or never.” That is how this became my first blog post.
When I first thought about blogging, I figured it would be about dating and travelling. My first post was in a category I wasn’t even thinking about creating for my blog. This category makes sense though. I suffer from insomnia. I believe I suffer from insomnia because I think too much and I suffer from PTSD and night terros. My mind is constantly racing with different thoughts, jumping from one topic to another. It’s almost like I’m in a weird time warp, and I see myself running though this color of Disco hippie theme that spins in a circle while I panic and find a safe place to jump into. That’s how my mind works. Here’s a little preview.
I started dreaming about, well something that had nothing to do with why I woke up crying. I was recreating a scene in my dream that happened in real life. The real scene, is me on set in this gorgeous house eating in the bedroom with some crew men who weren’t really paying attention to me. (As a Production Assistant, you are kind of invisible until you’re needed or something goes wrong.) The scene I recreated, was this guy walking into the room, turns out he’s the son of the old couple who own the place as well as this guy I met in college. We were talking about how this was the bedroom where I almost lost my virginity with him. It was a funny recreation that I would love to go into more detail about but this isn’t what the blog article is about.
This blog article is about how I woke up crying because I started thinking about what my life would look like in five years. I’m currently suffering a battle between self love and self hate. I love myself, my bright spirits, my radiant smile, my sexy body. I dislike how sometimes I look constipated when I smile. I hate that I look pregnant in so many of the pictures taken at my brother’s wedding. I told myself it’s not a big deal. Sometimes the angles are wrong, the lighting is shitty or you’re face is just tired from all the smiling.
I went from worrying about how I looked to thinking about how I can lose weight. Wake up every morning and do 5 sets of 10 push-ups, burpees, squats and jumping Jack’s. I always visualize myself working out. Then I never actually do it. “WoW, if I just start doing that I wonder how I’ll look.” All of a sudden, that led me to think, how will I look in 5 years? Where will I be? Who will I marry?
Panic overcame my body. Tears started dripping down my eyes. My lungs felt like they were about to collapse. I started to panic because I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see myself in 5 years. I can’t see how I would look. I couldn’t see the man I would marry. The fear of not being able to even imagine where I would be in 5 years made my soul feel like a volcano is working it’s way up in my body to just erupt in hot lava of panic. I was screaming in my mind to see it. “JUST SEE IT!!! Just see his face! Just give me a glimpse!!! Just for a second! Why can’t I see myself in 5 years! How is that even possible?” Tears were now just streaming down my burning cheeks like a river, attempting to cool down my skin. The tears were coming harder as I screamed louder in my mind, begging for a flash of any possibilities. This can’t be true. How do I not see where I’ll be in 5 years? I can’t see anything. Just blurry visions, like I’m on a merry go round, spinning. I see blurry visions of greens and blues and whites. I see a blurry vision of something that resembles a man? All I see are blurry visions, and I hear laughter.
Wait. What was that? Laughter? I hear, laughter. I hear laughter. I hear people talking and laughing. I hear laughter! I hear a little girl laughing. I hear a little boy saying daddy. I hear joy. I hear happiness. I hear love.
I feel passion vibrating through the laughter. I feel my heart slowing down from the calm vibrations of laughter. I feel peace. I hear my laughter. I hear his laughter. I feel joy. I feel happiness. I feel love.
This panic attack made me realize how much I shouldn’t focus on one sense. We have five senses for a reason. If you feel like you lost sight of your future, it’s ok. You have four other senses to help you. Can you hear your future? Can you smell your future? Can you touch your future? Can you taste your future? It doesn’t matter where I see myself in 5 years. What matters is how I feel.
Joy. Happiness. Love.
Can you sense your future?